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HAND UP not HAND OUT

momonamission started this conversation


 I believe in a hand up and not a hand out. Please help me achieve my dream of helping other women overcome lifes obstacles.

 

I am a single mother of two girls.  I am currently in what feels like a no win situation and after countless hours scouring the net for help, I’ve come to the conclusion that there just isn’t anything out there for a woman in my situation. I am 29 and a survivor of domestic violence and addiction. While the last few years have been life altering, I’ve hit a roadblock and it seems like there is no way out. I have taken baby steps since getting sober 3 years ago which has led to some very wonderful accomplishments like going back to school 3 nights a week and receiving my GED, getting my driver’s license back, quitting smoking, earning the trust back from my family and friends who’s bridges I had burned (still working on the parents;), and last but certainly not least giving my children the life they deserve and the mother I knew I could be. All this has taken a lot of patience. I wasn’t someone who was lucky enough to have family support. The day my father dropped me off at rehab he looked at me in the eyes and said “Only a failure goes to rehab. If you really wanted to change you would just stop doing drugs!” I still went and unfortunately had to go home to an unsupportive family. My father and mother took my girls and me in when I was 22 after a terribly abusive relationship that finally ended with me lying in a hospital bed with broken ribs, jaw, and concussion. I’m surprised it didn’t kill me honestly, but we won’t get into that because I’m sure you already have an idea of what I went through. I am grateful to my parents for taking me in and being there for my girls. I don’t have any idea what I would have done had they not been there for them. The reason I say them is because they have made it clear that is the only reason they have done anything. I just wish there was something I could do to show them how much Ive changed. Every time I make what seems to be a huge step in the right direction they remind me of my age and how other women my age have accomplished so much more.

Here is my current problem. I am STUCK and it seems as though there is no way out. After the research I have done online I’ve come to the realization that my parents are showing signs of narcissism that has recently gotten so bad that my father became physical by pushing me down in front of my daughter. I had flashbacks of my earlier abusive relationship and quickly realized I have to get out of this. I feel as though my every move is controlled. I have no car and no job which is a real downer on my self esteem. Honestly, I feel like I’m totally alone. My parents not only resent me but I’m pretty sure they have lost all love they had for me. That is if they ever loved me at all. It’s always been a hostile home to say the least.
I’m not on a bus line due to living in the country so there is no way for me to get to school or work. When I mention ways to better my life my parents tell me I’m being selfish and that single mothers like me made our beds and now we should have to lie in them. I cry daily and dream of a life being able to choose what I want to do or go where I want to go. With all this free time on my hands and a broken leg that resulted in surgery from a fall 2 months ago I’ve had plenty of time to Google in search for a hand up and not a hand out for women like me. This has turned up little possibilities. I would love to find a foundation or organization that would help me become independent and on the right road toward success while I in turn offer my time to help with whatever they may need volunteers to do. Id love to help women who are going through what I went through. I could help them overcome the fear and anxiety associate with addiction. I could also show women that they don’t deserve to be abused and it is possible to break the cycle. This doesn’t seem like such a farfetched idea to me and it would give women a sense of accomplishment if they learned to volunteer and not just receive a handout. Thanks for reading and I look forward to ideas.

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momonamission
 in response to Yana706...   

Wow thank you so much for such kind words.  I'm sorry I am just responding but I've been working very hard on getting my support site up and running.  If you need a shoulder or someone to vent to I'm here.  I've been through a lot and just when you feel like you can't take anymore you push yourself a little harder.  You WILL MAKE IT!  I know you will and if I can have faith in you then you certainly should have faith in yourself.  Please let me know how things are going for you.  Also, check out www.ecigchic.com if you get a chance.  It's my own personal site I've put together which is sort of a support place for anyone in difficult times.  It's almost done so please bare with the construction.  Please pass the site on to your family and friends as I really want to make it a place for women to just be themselves without judgement or negitivity.

 

Thanks,
Christina

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Yana706
God Bless you, I am new to this site I don't even know how I found it but I am hearing so many wonderful stories that is changing my life and is giving my hope that I can make it through. I don;t know where my son and I were going to make it. I don';t have any answers but reading your story has given me hope to keep looking, keep trying until I get it. Thank you so much and God Bless and your family
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LovingRudy

I have been there myself (minus the addiction) & have triumphed as well.  I don't know my father, but my mother was very supportive; however, she lived in AZ & me in Nebraska! Her support was limited to daily collect phone calls from me! LOL

At one point my twins, who were 5 at the time, and myself (very pregnant with my 3rd child) slept in my car.  We went to battered woman shelters to eat dinner & would leave the next day.  I stayed with several friends & even family of their father's until my Section 8 (housing assistance) came through. My children & I moved into our 1st place together with no TV, no car, no phone, no dishes, nothing! We had an air mattress & 2 pillows...but it was the best feeling in the world!  My mother sent me $350 to buy a HORRIBLE rusted out car from a neighbor of a friend!  I've never been so proud of a car in my life! I eventually had my baby, graduated college & am completely off assistance.  I know in rural areas it can be tough but there are programs to help. 

Have you applied for any type of rental/housing assistance or welfare? What about child support?  Don't be afraid to ask for a hand up to get on your feet!  I know in Nebraska if your on welfare & you start work they will give you a voucher for a car!  Welfare To Work/Employment First Program.  While you're a single mother you will qualify for tons of grants/loans for school also.  You can get living expense loans to help out quarterly, etc.  Apply for everything you can get your hands on!!  Get that social work degree girl!!!

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Anonymous

From reading your post, it sounds like you would be a great social worker, which is a field that is in very high demand.  The advantage of that field is you can get your degree from a college online. I'm pretty sure you would qualify for some type of financial aid. My husband and I both work. I was thinking of going back to college (from home) through SUNY to get a degree, and I did qualify for a Pell grant. There's no way you're going to get out unless you learn a skill. Social work. Something to think about. 

I was engaged to a man who was a compulsive liar and with these lies led me far from home. I was stuck. I was scared. I was 6 months pregnant. The difference between you and me is I have a very supportive mother. My mother has always been a godly woman, who has planted that strong seed of faith in me. First, get right with God and then get busy! Take responsibility for you while being grateful to the ones around you that provide a safe haven for your children. Have a good attitude and a lot of gratitude-that will take you far in life. 

My baby's father abandoned 6 months pregnant. I had nothing but the clothes on my back and....my mother. She took us in, and I lived with her until my son was 14 months old. I had a minimum-wage job and was receiving assistance when an opening came up in subsidized housing. Step one--complete. I decided that I was going to remain in this lifestyle if I didn't learn a skill. At the same time, the company I worked for cut my hours to part time.  No way! I said that's it..I'm going to college! I took advantage of the system that I paid into for years and that I would be paying into in the future and quit my job. I entered a local college full time where I learned of a skill I didn't even know I had and a career I didn't know existed, which I am still doing to this day after 13 years. 

It took me 8 months to receive my diploma. I decided to volunteer at the local hospital where I wanted to work and was hired by the word processing department 2 days later. I received a medical arts scholarship, an award for highest typing speed ever at this college and graduated with honors.

You see, I took responsibility for me because if I didn't do this, my child would suffer. I stayed out of relationships that weren't healthy (for example, if they want sex before marriage, not healthy..period). An easy way to let God weed out the bad ones is to tell them you're not available physically---trust me on this one.  As supportive as my mother was, she also told me that I was a single parent now and needed to concentrate on that when I told her I was going to college.  That didn't stop me.  I knew the only way I was going to concentrate on my child was TO GO to school.

Where am I at now? I'm a medical language specialist and work remotely for a company from my home. We are also called medical transcriptionists. I'm in my 13th year and making over $40,000 a year, which is very good income for the area I live in. I have benefits, 401K, paid time off, etc., just like in a real job except I get to do it in my PJs. :)

It was a long road, but it paid off in the end. The main source of my success is having Jesus Christ at the center of it all. You can't do this alone.  You can't. I've been there and done that, and it doesn't work. I've been here these years with Christ, and it works. He brought a wonderful man into my life when my son was 5 years old that thought I was important enough to wait for. We've been married 8 years now and have a son together. My boys will both be 15 and 7 in a few months. 

Sister, it is possible. I know so very well what it feels like to be stuck and feeling hopeless. Become proactive in your own life. Do it for those precious gifts that God gave you.  Please give some serious thought to what I've said.  As hard as it may be considering the stress, honor your parents for giving your babies and you a home...for now. I also took my sister and her two children in last summer when she was living with a guy who had issues. This is the third time I've taken her in, and I was very hard on her the whole time she was here. I pushed her. It forced her to get real, put her kids first, and get moving instead of the la de da attitude she had. She blamed everybody for her problems, took absolutely no responsibility.

Every choice you have made has put you where you are at this very moment, in this situation. Every choice you make from this moment forward will take you in a different direction. I take full responsibility for my poor choices. I also took full responsibility for fixing it, which I did with a vengeance. 

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